okay, so i have this sort of defense mechanism. well, actually, i have a lot of them...but here's a specfic one:

there are couple of guys i'm sorta interested in. it's not that deep, but both of them are great guys i'd like to get to know better and possibly be serious with. as far as i know, neither one knows that i'm interested, which is alright by me for now. me being me, however, i expect the worst. i figure if you expect the worst and it doesn't happen, then no matter how bad it gets, it's still not as bad as it could be. so a part of me is fully expecting to be completely rejected and i start thinking of all the possible reasons as to why i would be rejected. then i start getting all insecure because there are a hundred reasons why i'm not good enough - not pretty enough, not skinny enough, too cynical, too sarcastic, too perfectionist, anxiety issues, rant too much, worry too much, stress too easily...

*sigh* i'm a wreck.

free hugs

seriously about the coolest thing i have ever seen.

now, who wants to go give out free hugs with me? *grin*

'tis after midnight and i'm incoherent

yeah, still alive. can't currently post anything that's on my mind because it could potentially cause too much drama. life is okay, but i'm ready for summer. like, now.

list of things i might post about later:

yeah, so this post was useless. but i felt like i should say something. it's been over a month. but i should go to bed.

i once wrote that happiness is a drug-induced illusion.

i find, though, in the past several years, i've made great strides toward self-assurance and confidence. i have fantastic friends and family. i have a God who loves me and cares for me more than any man on this earth could ever hope to. i have a decent job and can support myself. i am truly blessed.

so, as i drove home today, brisk wind whipping through my open windows, rascal flatts on the radio, and the beautiful blue sky He created in front of me, i realized i have something far greater and grander than just plain ol' happiness.

i am content.

lists make for a happy heather

i should say something, i guess. it's been over a month since i last updated. but things are more or less going along as they always have. well, no. i take that back. things are better than they usually are. being the list girl that i am, i think that'll probably be the best way to handle this pathetic excuse for an update:

- i obviously didn't quit my job by the end of last semester like i'd planned. i'm comfortable there now, even if it annoys me sometimes. the students might get on my nerves, but at least i get along well with the staff. at this point, i have no real plans to leave soon. our school is going to be merged with another one in the next couple years, so i may have to find another job, but i think i'll see if i can put in for a transfer.

- i did finally decide that i want to move to the south side. my parents are hoping to move around summer, so i have to decide what i want to do pretty soon, whether move with them or find my own place. my bro still wants to move to lafayette, but i have absolutely no desire to do so anymore. there's no way i could live in a college town and everything i really need is already in the southport area.(i still love ya, matt! and i'll come visit...sometime.)

- life has generally calmed down for me, which provides a nice solace from the craziness around me. my own drama is pretty much non-existant (knock on wood) and i just feel a lot more at peace with the world. i think i've finally have a direction laid out in front of me, which is comforting. it's not entirely clear yet, but it doesn't have to be. that wouldn't be any fun.

okay. that's good enough for now. maybe i'll get something more substantial later. as always, heather *hugs* are free-flowing and abundant.